And Then the Screaming Started

I am on the verge of shouting "You are just like your father!" Apparently the trend of this conversation has touched a nerve. Thankfully, before I allowed those horrible words to escape my lips, something else kicked in and stopped me short.

***

One of the most common situations we hear about from parents are the times when time, pressure, and plain raw emotion escalates from conversation to argument to innumerable unpleasant consequences -- from door slamming to sulking to hurt feelings; from shutting down to saying unforgivable things to diminishing trust. Not a pretty sight or effective family communication.

This month we'll let Jayne, a typical mom, show how she used various 10 Greatest Gifts tools and concepts to halt an ugly escalation and create a new sense of love and wellbeing.

It appeared I was not very effective with using the 4 Keys to Saying No with my daughter and a situation just escalated. With that story in the back of mind I have been attempting to do better - being firm but deeply listening to their request and feelings. I am still not perfect - and fatigue and exasperation gets in the way of "listening deeply" at times but still I plod on.

As a result I had a wonderful uplifting experience with my son the other night. I picked him and his sister up late. It had taken 15 minutes to get there from church. That was one mark against me in their book. My daughter responded by telling anyone that would listen that I had abandoned them. My son responded by being very irritated with me.

Getting in the car, Zack tells me (not asks but tells, mind you) that I need to make Rock Candy for him to sell at school as part of the class lesson in economics. (It is 8:30 Wednesday night by the time we are getting home) I let him know I don't know where my recipe is offhand and it has been a long time since I made it so I don't trust doing it from memory. He lets me know he is perturbed. I tell him I will be willing to look for the recipe that night, thinking if I can't find it, I could call around the next day, and probably find someone that could give me the recipe.

"When do you need to take it to school?" I ask in a very helpful upbeat, on the path sort of way.

"Friday morning." is Zack's response. Remember this is late Wednesday night and even if find the recipe through calling around, that means I must make it Thursday night. Thursday night! The night I was planning to work late because I have had a very busy week and have not been able to work late or go in early any other day because I am too busy accommodating my family's needs!

However, I tell him, in a calm voice he should not make commitments that involve me, without consulting with me first. Getting only two evenings to find the recipe and get the materials together, isn't much time. I 'm being very specific and clear as to my reasons why I am not pleased with his request, and also why I do not think it fair of him to be getting so disgruntled with me for possibly not being able to comply with his request.

We get home, and see the box of candles and other items that Zack sold, to earn money for band. He had sold some to friends and family and yes, I attempted to sell some to my associates at work. He starts grumping at me that he didn't sell very much and I wasn't very helpful to him, as I did not sell many items at my work. He goes on to say even the woman who had said she originally wanted three pinecone candles had only ended up purchasing one.

I explain a little tersely that she changed her mind based on the price. She hadn't realized the candles were $19 each. So we should be happy that she still bought at least one. I attempted what was supposed to be a smile. However, from the look on Zack's face, I must have looked more like a deranged cur baring it's fangs. Zack continued to speak harshly, telling me I obviously didn't explain things well enough to the people at my work and if I had, more people would have bought his items.

By now, I have had enough of his behavior and sassy talk. I tell him very specifically that it is not my job to sell his school products for him, I tell him that on more than one occasion I had reminded him to bring his product catalog with him when we had visited family and friends and his not selling many items was his doing not mine. Blah, Blah, Blah Yada yada yada. I notice my feet are sliding off the path at this point

Zack responds defensively. In return I am on the verge of shouting "You are just like your father!" Apparently the trend of this conversation has touched a nerve. Thankfully, before I allowed those horrible words to escape my lips, something else kicked in and stopped me short. I took a deep breath and said "Will you please go take your shower. It's getting late." and I walked away.

After his shower Zack came upstairs and before I could say anything, he said, "I'm sorry Mom, I shouldn't have jumped all over you like that." I answered, "Thanks. It's OK." Then I told him that I hadn't been able to find the Rock Candy recipe but I had found something that sounded good (and quick and easy) called Sugar Plums. What would he think if we tried that instead?

For a split second I saw disappointment on his face fell and then he looked at me and smiled and said "I think that sounds fine."

I hugged him tight and told him what a special young man I think he is. He beamed up at me and my heart felt as if it would burst from the relief, gratitude and love that was welling up inside of it.

Allison St. Claire
Senior Facilitator, Parenting from the Heart

(You can read more about these concepts in the book "The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children," or see both explained more thoroughly in the 10 Greatest Gifts Toolkit.)