3 S's of Yeses. We all know compliments and positive reinforcement get far better results than complaints or scolding. But compliments can backfire when done inappropriately. Here are our 3 S's of giving effective "Yeses."

1. Sincere. What's your immediate reaction if someone is less than candid when complimenting you on something? Do our children see right through that? How about our employees? Our spouses or other family members? If you don't absolutely mean it, don't say it.


2. Specific. Which messages have the most impact? "You look great today" or "Your skin glows when you wear that color." "You're a good little boy" or "You are so respectful of others when you remain quiet while they are talking." "You always choose nice gifts" or "I really appreciate your thoughtfulness in choosing a gift for me. You clearly account for my own individual tastes."
3. Selective. Too much of anything becomes repetitive, boring, and easily blown off. While it's certainly a basic precept of good parenting to catch kids being good, it's also easy to overdo it and make the kids tune us out. The same thing goes in any relationship. Compliments are vital, but be sure they're not so frequent as to be meaningless.

1. You can only focus on one thing at a time.
2. You cannot avoid a don't.
3. You go towards what you focus on.

4 Keys to Saying No. There are many times we have to say no to our children (or a spouse or friend or employee for that matter). Typically with kids we yell or spank or force them into a time out. These are all low-road, short term fixes, that generally hurt the relationship, do nothing to keep the behavior from happening again, nor effectively teach what is OK.

When an inappropriate behavior happens, here are four keys to saying no in a loving, non-abusive manner that also promotes true learning and fosters an even deeper relationship between you.

1. Live on the forward side of the energy circle, modeling at all times what is appropriate. This simple step will cut down enormously the amount of times you will have to say no. You will have engendered such trust and open communication that when you do have to say no, the kids will not be tuning you out, muttering "Oh boy, there she goes again!"
2. Listen deeply to the child's real needs. Many times, a tantrum is thrown because the child really needs a rest or your attention rather than the ice cream cone he is demanding. A lot of arguments start over something trivial when the child really needs to resolve a much deeper issue or doesn't feel listened to.
3. If the answer still is no, explain your reasons why. This is an incredible opportunity to use the Message tool to explain why such a behavior is unacceptable in your family or for this child. Then, of course, bring on the Listen and Teach tools and work through how else the child could handle this issue, and what you can do to help.
4. Redirect the child back on the path of appropriate behavior through the continued use of the 5 Tools. The Focus tool is exceptionally powerful here and you refocus your and the child's attention to a positive view of the situation.

5 Tool Sequence: Each of the 10 Greatest Gifts tools work when used individually, or in whatever order you may need them in any given situation. For example, if a child is throwing a tantrum or yelling in anger, you may need to start with the Listen tool and then move on to the others. However, when used in the following sequence, you are practicing being a proactive parent at your best.

Big R: When you have a high level of self-esteem, when you have a positive attitude, when you are honest with yourself, and when you are clear about your purpose, then you have a healthy Big R.

Degrees of Strength: If I see myself in degrees of weakness, I position everything as what I'm not good at, what I don't have, what I can't do, what I didn't accomplish. I can't have any energy or be on a roll. I can't feel capable or competent, and even worse, because I feel so inferior I have a defensiveness that gets in the way of my ability to learn, to change, to be open- minded. I'm extraordinarily sensitive to any one criticizing me. I resent people slighting me or treating me badly. I get defensive, and want to strike back and hurt them. There's no hope of cooperation, love, understanding or growth. When I'm operating in degrees of strength, however, I don't let some outside person determine my value. Ask any teacher or coach. If they come from degrees of weakness, they'll see a particular student as an unruly kid and they'll work hard to "fix" him. Where is that child likely to head since we go toward what we focus on and the message he's gotten is "I'm a behavior problem."? When that teacher or coach changes their focus to degrees of strength, they'll focus on his good qualities. They'll ask instead, "How can we help this student be more cooperative and contribute to the class or the team?

Doofus factor: We all know a "doofus," someone who we are certain will slack off, mess up, or do something dumb. If all we focus on about this person is the mistakes they may have made or what we perceive as their weaknesses, it's guaranteed we will find evidence to support our position. In the meantime while we are searching hard to find the negative stuff in this person, we tend to entirely miss all the good things they do, and allow ourselves to keep our old belief system about them intact.

Energy Circle: Picture a circle which represents 100% of your time and energy for the moment, hour, day or lifetime. The circle is divided in half. You can only be in one place at a time and since we go toward what we focus on, where you choose to focus determines which direction you will move - either backward or forward. People on the back side focus on "What's not working," "What I don't like about me or someone else," "Weaknesses and blame," and "How this idea will never work," among others. People on the forward side acknowledge what is working and how they made it happen, what they like about themselves and others, look for strengths and celebrate successes, and seek the value of finding a solution.

Forward Focused Questions: Forward Focus Questions: These questions (FFQs) focus on what people really think and feel, on what's working, where we want to go, what we want more of, as well as finding additional options and ideas. These questions are all open-ended and can't be answered with a simple "yes" or "no." They value people's individual thoughts and ideas. They typically begin with "what" or "how." Here are some examples. For a larger list, please see Chapter 3 in "The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children."

"High Road": Every moment of every day we have an opportunity to choose how we will react to any situation. We call that opportunity a "magic moment" to choose either a high road or low road approach to the incident. On the high road we choose a response that is loving, helpful, and promotes long-term goals of appropriate behavior and values. On the low road, our response will generally be hurtful, may handle the immediate issue but leaves no long-lasting positive qualities or values. For example: A child takes a drink of steaming hot chocolate and immediately spits it out on your white carpet. Here's two possible responses; you'll recognize in a flash which is which. "Anita, look at what you just did! How could you do that? Now get down there and clean up that mess and don't you dare leave a spot behind." Or: "Anita, oh, thank goodness you spit that out before it burned your tongue. How do you think you might check a hot drink next time before you put it in your mouth? Now, let's see what we can do to clean up that spill."

Homeward Bound Framework. This is a series of questions to yourself that will work wonders in easing the transition from work to home, leaving stress or tension or even leftover "busyness" behind and starting with a fresh forward focus attitude toward home and family. Many people use this exercise before pulling out of the parking lot or on the commute home.

• 1. What did I learn today that was valuable?
• 2. What did I do well today?
• 3. What are the 3 greatest blessings in my life?
• 4. How can I be the best mom, dad, spouse, best friend I've ever been tonight?

Magic Moment: A magic moment is a juncture when we take time to consciously choose how to respond to a situation on the high road, rather than react on the low road. The high road helps build and heal; the latter may "fix" the immediate situation but ultimately hurts and even destroys relationship and trust. The former gives the gifts of love and important qualities and values such as self-responsibility, inner control and commitment.

Mind/Body Connection: Our minds reflect what our body is doing as well as vice versa. For example, if you are on a physical "roll" - pumped up, excited, or even just performing a simple hand gesture or other body `trigger' that helps you focus - your mind will follow in a forward focus mode. For example, slouch down, look and feel depressed, frown. Now try to think a happy thought. Now stand erect, smile, breathe deeply, clap your hands or do a high five with someone near by. Try to think a sad thought. Our minds echo our bodies and our bodies echo our minds.

On the Path. When we're living "on the path," we are staying on the forward side of the energy circle, we look at people's strengths not weaknesses, we use frequent magic moments and the 3 S's of Yeses to keep things moving forward. Off the path is just the opposite - we tell everyone what NOT to do, and then hover around trying to catch them when they do it anyway. We react, criticize, look for weaknesses and keep everything and everyone on the back side of the energy circle.